Another day...
Well, as my little title says, it IS another day...and what have I accomplished?? I went to work, and I cleaned my house some. woo. how wonderful. I always think about what I COULD have done, and what I SHOULD have done, but didn't, and it's in those times that I just wish I had more. More courage, more willpower, more understanding, more of everything good. Lately, I have been just doing whatever, not really caring about it mostly, but I should. What I do makes an impression on everyone around me, and what kind of impression do I leave?? Do I leave one of, "oh, how nice she is!"?? one of "oh, she's not very nice at all", one of "oh, she makes my mind turn towards heavenly things" or "she makes me want to rebel against God!"??? What do I make people think??
I should be making people think of loftier things than what their life on earth should be, but I don't. I'm too caught up in the here and now, that I lose sight of the bigger picture. What is the bigger picture? one might ask. Well, I believe the "bigger picture" is of this world being a model of sin, and its effects. I know, reading this, it's probably a surprise to see what I just wrote. I guess Friday nights have that effect on me. I just get thinking, and realize that my life is being slowly wasted away, and for what? A spot in Satan's army in the final days?? I'm trying to be a good example, but I don't know how.
A little taste of what I mean:
My first boyfriend, Paul, used to come to church with us, and used to ast interested. If I had been really interested, he wouldn't have been my boyfriend in the first place, and SO many things would have been SO much better for both of us! Basically, I met him through Dana, and that eventually caused some problems. We started out as friends, but it went quickly on to more. Calling, seeing, more, and more. Because of my desire to be right, and to rebel against my parents, and God, I would not listen to them. Any of them. And so that saga began...I won't go into detail, but a lot of crappy things happened because of my attitude, and my opinions.
Dana and I used to be best friends, but then we started to drift off into different paths. Mine, being the one that goes down into a diseased relationship with the above mentioned person, and hers going into drugs. At this point, I could have been a better friend, but because I was so wrapped up in the above mentioned relaionship, I let our FRIENDSHIP slide into the abyss... I wonder now, if I had been thinking clearly, could I have helped her? Would it have made a difference? I won't ever know, but I can't change things...
After Paul there was Levi, and we actually had a pretty good relatioship, because we were actually FRIENDS. No kissing, just a hug every now and then. We are kind of still friends now. But did I give the wrong impression there too??
And then, Larry, who is in the ARMY now. I met him a couple of years ago, but we never really knew each other. A week before he got shipped off to South Korea, we was each other again, and decided to start something. We spent every day in that week together for a part of each day. The night before he left, we decided we wanted to try a long distance relationship, and I honestly thought we could make it work. But, his lifestyle/job was not really conducive to a good relationship. I was able to write to him, and I did, but he did not have time to write back, and, consequently did not. I decided that it was better to just end that relationship, and so, I sent him a letter. I know now that I could have written it better, and saved us both a lot of hurt. After the letter...I haven't actually heard from him since. I remain friends with his parents, and visit them sometimes, but I do NOT remain friends with him.
Rocky was another case, where I just did not heed parental warnings, and jumped right in without caring what the effects would be. He's 25, I'm 16. That causes problems, and it did. He was involved in drugs as well, and has been in prison many times, and said that he didn't want to go back. But now, I don't think he really cares. I think he's into drugs again also.
And there's Frankie. I met him a LONG tima ago, but we never really talked, and I never really wanted to. But then, about 3 weeks ago now, we started talking on the phone, and seeing each other a lot. This I like at first, I think it was mostly because in most of my other friendships, I had to be the one calling the other person, and he called me. He WANTED to call me, and I wanted him to want to. But now, I think I know why...I'm still not sure though. He came for church with us also, and said that he likes it a lot better than being Mormon. But now, I think because of my behavior, I have pushed him away. I don't think he will want to come back for church since I broke up with him. Hopefully he will, but who could blame him if he didn't?
Now, with Daniel...I don't know... We haven't crossed over into the realm of "more than friends" yet, and even though I want to, I know we probably shouldn't. Classes are more interesting now, IMing is also, but interesting doesn't make things right. I don't know...I guess we'll just have to see what happens... We both have a busy life, and we both have had (I don't really want to say bad, 'cause I don't know) relationships that didn't work out...
I just don't want another bad relationship, because I've already had to many for my years of life. I think that why I like having a boyfriend is because of the physical things. I like being single because I have freedom to see whoever I want to, and not worry about my significant other...
And again, what kind of an example am I being? In our church, we believe that we are all to be representatives of Christ, but am I?? Do I show His character?? No! I don't. I want to, but it's so easy not to.
I guess that about sums this up for now...
- posted by Rachel @ 9:15 PM