Blah, Blah, Blah
Here I am, at the college, and NOT wanting to finish my research paper. Of COURSE not!! I never even wanted to START, but I need to... So, I'll just waste my time for a little while, and hope that it'll just magically happen...and be...DONE! Ha! fat chance of THAT happening, but a girl can hope...:-p

My research paper is on personality disorders, and it's sometihing I know NOTHING about...So...research!! WHEEEE!!!!!
It happens...

I really need to start on the finished product, so here I go...
- posted by Rachel @ 3:54 PM 1 comments

 
A crazy, lazy, hazy, dizzy, dazy day...
Yes, I know, that's a LOT of "azy"s, but.....too bad...
I saw that creepy kisser guy again...TWICE today, actually. As he was driving by DQ, and then, AT SAFEWAY!!!! Talk about CREEPY!! I went with my mom to the store, and the LAST thing I expected was to see HIM!!! But...I guess it'll happen every once in a while...

Today has been another one of those days... I've been having a headache every day for the past week or so. It happens in the evening, and doesn't go away, no matter what I try. So, what's wrong? Could be that I'm not going to sleep early, but I have been going to bed EARLIER than I had been a couple of months ago. It could be that it's an acumulation (did I spell that right?) of everything that's been happening. I think it also has something to do with my ulcers. At 16, I shouldn't even have anything NEAR an ulcer...so why do I? Grr! I know, I know...I've been thinking too much tonight...:-p

I guess I can understand WHY my parents have grounded me again, but it's still kinda fuzzy. My mom said something about this time being "like what happened with Rocky", but it really isn't. Now, they're going to decide a suitable penalty for this...sometime...maybe...I might just be "grounded" forever... It's not like it really matters anyway. I'm able to go to class, and go to work, and do my homework, which have been most of what my life has been like lately. It's kind of sad really, that I don't do very much, but yet...when things like this happen...it just...doesn't matter to me...
I guess I'm suffering from what is known as being LIKE drunk, but only because I'm tired. In our psych. textbook it says that missing out on 24 hrs. of sleep has the same effect as drinking 3 drinks. So, is this what it's like to be partially drunk? hmm... I guess I'll never know!

OK, well......off to bed I go...No! I'm going to go soak in a nice relaxing bath for a few years!! THEN go to SLEEP!!
- posted by Rachel @ 7:47 PM 2 comments

 
Well, well, well....
Today has been an....interesting day for me.
I started out by getting up at 6am, and going to breakfast with Tonie, and her parents at 7. At about 9 I got home, and started painting again. I finished one wall, and parts of two others. (yay) Then, I went to work at 12.
It was good at work for a while, but then...it just got worse. I started getting a headache, and my ulcers started acting up, which both made me have that blah! feeling. But! the day continued on! So, about 4 or so, umm...that creepy guy came in, the one that I've mentioned before as having KISSED my hand....*shudder* :-P Poor Sylvia had to help him, while Caty and I were busy helping others. It was SO busy, thankfully, or I think he might have stayed. I ignored him again, but still, that just creeps me out!!
So, there were the normal grumpy people, and the great people, and the people who just want to talk for a minute while we're making their ice cream. So all in all, it was an ok day (so far).
Tonight, I think I'm gonna go down and visit my friends, who also happen to be my ex-bf, Larry's, parents. They're really fun people to be around! So, I think I'll go down, and just hang out there for a little while tonight...we'll see...

Anyway! I guess that's my exciting story for today!
- posted by Rachel @ 5:42 PM 0 comments

 
Ahhh this is a good one!!
I just remembered about something!! The REJECTION HOTLINE!!!! 602-230-4210!! Call it, and see what I mean...

That's all for now... see ya!!
- posted by Rachel @ 5:06 PM 0 comments

 
A new picture blog...
I just made another blog for JUST my pictures... If anyone cares to look...

http://www.venusgoddess2006pictures.blogspot.com

Now, I can use THIS blog for typing, and the other one for pictures!!

- posted by Rachel @ 2:12 PM 0 comments

 
I got it to work!!
YAY!!! It all works! this is crazy! ok, enough for now...

- posted by Rachel @ 1:35 PM 0 comments

 
Just a little test...



- posted by Rachel @ 1:32 PM 1 comments

 

This picture is of the Sawtooth Mountains in Idaho!! Isn't the view great?!?!? 
- posted by Rachel @ 1:10 PM 0 comments

 
Another day...
Well, as my little title says, it IS another day...and what have I accomplished?? I went to work, and I cleaned my house some. woo. how wonderful. I always think about what I COULD have done, and what I SHOULD have done, but didn't, and it's in those times that I just wish I had more. More courage, more willpower, more understanding, more of everything good. Lately, I have been just doing whatever, not really caring about it mostly, but I should. What I do makes an impression on everyone around me, and what kind of impression do I leave?? Do I leave one of, "oh, how nice she is!"?? one of "oh, she's not very nice at all", one of "oh, she makes my mind turn towards heavenly things" or "she makes me want to rebel against God!"??? What do I make people think??
I should be making people think of loftier things than what their life on earth should be, but I don't. I'm too caught up in the here and now, that I lose sight of the bigger picture. What is the bigger picture? one might ask. Well, I believe the "bigger picture" is of this world being a model of sin, and its effects. I know, reading this, it's probably a surprise to see what I just wrote. I guess Friday nights have that effect on me. I just get thinking, and realize that my life is being slowly wasted away, and for what? A spot in Satan's army in the final days?? I'm trying to be a good example, but I don't know how.
A little taste of what I mean:
My first boyfriend, Paul, used to come to church with us, and used to ast interested. If I had been really interested, he wouldn't have been my boyfriend in the first place, and SO many things would have been SO much better for both of us! Basically, I met him through Dana, and that eventually caused some problems. We started out as friends, but it went quickly on to more. Calling, seeing, more, and more. Because of my desire to be right, and to rebel against my parents, and God, I would not listen to them. Any of them. And so that saga began...I won't go into detail, but a lot of crappy things happened because of my attitude, and my opinions.
Dana and I used to be best friends, but then we started to drift off into different paths. Mine, being the one that goes down into a diseased relationship with the above mentioned person, and hers going into drugs. At this point, I could have been a better friend, but because I was so wrapped up in the above mentioned relaionship, I let our FRIENDSHIP slide into the abyss... I wonder now, if I had been thinking clearly, could I have helped her? Would it have made a difference? I won't ever know, but I can't change things...
After Paul there was Levi, and we actually had a pretty good relatioship, because we were actually FRIENDS. No kissing, just a hug every now and then. We are kind of still friends now. But did I give the wrong impression there too??
And then, Larry, who is in the ARMY now. I met him a couple of years ago, but we never really knew each other. A week before he got shipped off to South Korea, we was each other again, and decided to start something. We spent every day in that week together for a part of each day. The night before he left, we decided we wanted to try a long distance relationship, and I honestly thought we could make it work. But, his lifestyle/job was not really conducive to a good relationship. I was able to write to him, and I did, but he did not have time to write back, and, consequently did not. I decided that it was better to just end that relationship, and so, I sent him a letter. I know now that I could have written it better, and saved us both a lot of hurt. After the letter...I haven't actually heard from him since. I remain friends with his parents, and visit them sometimes, but I do NOT remain friends with him.
Rocky was another case, where I just did not heed parental warnings, and jumped right in without caring what the effects would be. He's 25, I'm 16. That causes problems, and it did. He was involved in drugs as well, and has been in prison many times, and said that he didn't want to go back. But now, I don't think he really cares. I think he's into drugs again also.
And there's Frankie. I met him a LONG tima ago, but we never really talked, and I never really wanted to. But then, about 3 weeks ago now, we started talking on the phone, and seeing each other a lot. This I like at first, I think it was mostly because in most of my other friendships, I had to be the one calling the other person, and he called me. He WANTED to call me, and I wanted him to want to. But now, I think I know why...I'm still not sure though. He came for church with us also, and said that he likes it a lot better than being Mormon. But now, I think because of my behavior, I have pushed him away. I don't think he will want to come back for church since I broke up with him. Hopefully he will, but who could blame him if he didn't?
Now, with Daniel...I don't know... We haven't crossed over into the realm of "more than friends" yet, and even though I want to, I know we probably shouldn't. Classes are more interesting now, IMing is also, but interesting doesn't make things right. I don't know...I guess we'll just have to see what happens... We both have a busy life, and we both have had (I don't really want to say bad, 'cause I don't know) relationships that didn't work out...
I just don't want another bad relationship, because I've already had to many for my years of life. I think that why I like having a boyfriend is because of the physical things. I like being single because I have freedom to see whoever I want to, and not worry about my significant other...
And again, what kind of an example am I being? In our church, we believe that we are all to be representatives of Christ, but am I?? Do I show His character?? No! I don't. I want to, but it's so easy not to.
I guess that about sums this up for now...
- posted by Rachel @ 9:15 PM 2 comments

 
The "talk"..
Ok, so I had "the talk" with Frankie tonight...I guess it went ok, but I'm not sure. I said that I needed my space, and that I feel that I don't have any. I said that I wasn't sure that I wanted anything other than friendship with him now. I think he feels like it's his fault, but it's mine also. I encouraged it, too much, and now...we both have...issues I guess... OK! well, now he's sending me text messages, saying: "What u mean we spend 2 much time 2gether? i only saw u twice! and if we did talk on da fone it was 4 like 10 min at a time and that was when u wanted 2 talk 2 me!", and "I bet its all because i said that i love you, isnt it!" GRRR!!! I didn't send anything back to him... But that's only a PART of it!! We've seen each other almost every day!! And talked every day also!! What part of "we're spending too much time together" is so hard to get???? I mean, we ARE!!! HOW HARD IS THAT TO GRASP?????? We're only continuing a behavior that needs to stop! I don't know how to explain it!! I thought I did ok, but no!!! WHAT MORE CAN I DO???? I want to be nice, but am I being TOO NICE???!?!??!?!?? I guess I must be, because he doesn't seem to get it!!
OK, well! Enough of that!
I don't know what to type, so I'll end this one for now...


grrrrr.....
- posted by Rachel @ 12:13 AM 1 comments

 
"Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day..."And other strangenesseseseseses....
OK, SO, HERE'S THE DEAL...

I have this opinion, and it's not a very nice one really. I mostly just think guys are evil creatures! That's what I think, it's just that nobody really knows about it... (sorry)
I've spent way too much time reading "bad" romance novels I guess, 'cause I have this thing about how everything is supposed to be, and in reality...it's not. I may not make sense this time around, and that'll be because I have no idea WHAT to write, I'm just writing for the sake of writing, and because I don't have anything else to do except sleep...
I was thinking of staying up all night again, but I won't because I AM tired...

I had a really weird dream last night...In it, I was with some people (I can't remember who), and we were all in L.A., doing SOMEthing (I can't remember what). Then, all of the sudden, there was a big tidal wave that wiped out the whole city. I think that happened at least... So I was wondering...Why did I have THAT dream??? There's been lots of little things rattling around my brain, so maybe they just decided to join up, and make a really weird dream. For example, the tsunami that hit asia is probably what the tidal wave was about. L.A. is where we were going to go in CA for the Body Worlds thing. And maybe the whole natural disaster thing was ffrom a movie..."The Day After Tomorrow", which I watched MONTHS ago. I dunno... All I know, is that it was an interesting dream...(if I could remember it all, it would make things a lot better)

Tonight, I talked to my friend, Alex, who lives far...far...away...In KS... It was a good conversation, and he basically told me what I already knew I should do, but haven't really wanted to...*sigh!* A person's got to be fair, and honest...

I guess that's about it for now...Even though there's a heck of a lot more in here (my noggin)...
More later...(maybe)
- posted by Rachel @ 1:57 AM 2 comments

 
Another day.....
Well, our weekend was...interesting...

Saundra is 14, and she's got TONS of "friends" up there that go out every night, or at least on weekends, and "party". The Friday night that we were there, Saundra asked if I wanted to go meet her friends, so at...about...10:30 I think, we started out to Kia's. On the way, we met Lela(???), Nick, and KC(???), who were going somewhere else I guess. So, Nick remembered that he left his hat over at Kia's, and had to go back and get it. So, Saundra went with him, and I got to take the other two back to Saundra's house to wait for her to get back. All of them were drunk, I guess. I had NO idea WHAT to say, but we actually talked some. Then, after they got back, the three drunks left, to go to ANOTHER party.
Then, Sat., while we had church, Saundra went out somewhere with her "friends". Later, when she came home, I went with her to Kia's house, and was TOTALLY bored while they talked about people, and things, that I knew NOTHING about. After they had all smoked a ciggarette, they decided to go to "better" things... I just said that I saw what happened to my sis, Melissa, and didn't want to be involved with that. They asked if I was sure, and Kia even said she would just talk to me, but I just went outside. Dang! it was cold! :-p My dad called after I had been talking on the phone for a while, and said it wass time to come back (my mom told me today that they thought what happened would happen, and wanted to provide me with an "out", which was kinda nice of them), and by that time, they had all come back outside, so I told Saundra what my dad had said, and we went back. Quite simple, right? HA! right...
Later that night, we were talking about her day, and she said "I got so stoned, it was so cool". WHAT'S SO COOL ABOUT IT??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Sunday was interesting... It started out pretty good. We all got up, but not too early. At 10:30-11, Saundra had me go into her room, and we were partially talking, partially listeneing to her music, kinda just being there. I asked if she wanted to go to the IMAX theatre with us (everyone else had asked her also), but she had other "plans". So we went and watched a movie about the grand canyon, which was SO AWESOME!!!! (more later). So, the day went on (more later), and we got back to Vivian's to find that Saundra had not returned home. Later that night, she still had not come home. When we left this morning, she still had not come home, or called Vivian to let her know that she at least was ALIVE. That's what gets me!! Saundra doesn't care right now how much she's hurting her mom. Vivian is trying to be understanding, trying to make things easier for Saundra, so that maybe she won't have to do the drugs, but it doesn't really make much of a difference. Saundra told me Sunday that she "didn't need anyone", that she could do it all by herself. I'd like to see her try (well, not really!). Who would be there for her if she needed help? her "friends"???? I don't think so! Who would give her a HOME with love that she very much needs right now. Who would be her MOM?? Who could she really trust?? It seemed to me, while we were up there, that all they really care about is getting something for themselves, and to heck with everyone else!! Is this what the world had come to??? What happened to friends who were there for you longer than their fix?? What happened to our childhoods?? Now, everyone is in such a hurry to grow up that they miss some of the best parts. Saundra doesn't "need anyone", and how many more don't? Obviously her "friends" don't need anyone either. Anyway....On to more interesting things I guess....

So, to start all over again...last week I told Frankie that I needed some time, and space, to think about things, just pretty much EVERYTHING. So I thought I made it clear, but I guess I didn't. Compare versions of my weekend...
Fri., I talked to Frankie. Sat., I talked to Frankie. Sun., I talked to Frankie. Mon., I talked to, and saw, Frankie. See a pattern here?? He starts text messaging me on my phone, I write back, "be patient, I'll call you back..." etc. and he asks when? soon! when? soon! He calls me...I say I'll call him back. When?? Soon, I NEED to go!! When are you coming home? you're too far away... No, I'm not! Yes it is. NO IT'S NOT!!! Yes, IT IS!!!
I've know him for..............2 weeks now?? something like that, maybe more. We knew who the other one was MONTHS ago, but not really...So 2 weeks. In those last 2 weeks, we saw each other EVERY day. Talked on the phone every night, for HOURS, and then SAW each other...but yet, we DON'T know each other!! And now, he's introduced "love" into this! Like it's not complicated enough!! He does NOT love me, CANNOT love me, and even if he did, I DON'T WANT TO BE ATTATCHED SO MUCH!!!! I haven't gone a day now without seeing him, or talking to him, and I feel as though I'm losing what little life I had. I like spending time with him, but there IS a point where it is TOO much time, and we passed that point a LONG time ago!!! So, back to the weekend thing...I was trying to be there for Saundra, so that maybe she'd have a STABLE friend, and I talk to Frankie every day??!??!?!?! It does NOT work!!! I coudn't do it!! So, I just told him, "I can't be on the phone all the time", and he said "ok Rachel, bye", and HUNG UP!!! Grr!!!
There was a time when nobody actually cared for my presence enough to CALL me, and now....Now, I SEE Frankie EVERY freakin day!!

OK, well, now that I'm done ranting, and raving about it all, I'll share more of my weekend experience...
Sunday, we went to IKEA, a Swedish designed furniture store. It was SOO cool! It was 2 stories, and they had a map made for THAT ONE STORE!! But, of course, you would need it... They have "houses" set up, where you can see what a certain thing will look like with another, etc. And then, if you want to buy something, you write down the bin, and the row (on the back of the map), and you go down to find what you want, take the BOX home, and put it together! Simple, cheap, and NICE!!!
Today, on the way back home, my mom and I stopped there again, but we could NOT find ANY parking places!! NONE!!! So, we just came home...sad sad thing...

I guess I'm done with my little story for now...

I'll try and write another entry soon, but life...eh! you know!

- posted by Rachel @ 11:50 PM 1 comments

 
Journal
*sigh!*




Ok, well, hmmmmm......I don't know what to write really. In the past week or so, everything has just gotten crazy! I haven't seen either of the older uh.... people though, so that's definatly a PLUS!!! A MAJOR PLUS!!!! hmm....

Frankie and I have been seeing each other every day, and quite honestly, I don't WANT to see him every day... I just think...ok...again?...but yet, I KNOW he DOES want to see me every day. Grr!!! I feel SO guilty about the whole situation, 'cause I DO like him, sorta, but not NEARLY as much as he likes me, or as much as I used to like him... and I'm supposed to be a good example of what my church teaches, and yet...I'm not (obviously)...and.... I dunno... I should just MOVE!!!! That would be taking the easy way out...I WON'T do that. I've made things the way they are, I can deal with it.........gggrrrrrrr......Well, I just talked to Frankie.....I KNEW I would hurt him, and sure enough! I did! Gee, what a great freakin' accomplishment! :'( He said that he wants to be around me so much because I make him feel better, and yet, when I'm around him, I don't feel much of anything...I told him Mon. night that I wanted to spend LESS time with him, not NO time with him, but he took it as my meaning NO time... And then... Oh, gosh! I don't know!! I feel very...confused, I guess is the main one. I don't know WHAT to do. I know that having anything other than boy--FRIENDS right now won't do anyone any good, but I still WANT it. I want the hugs, the kisses, the knowledge that SOMEONE is there, and will be there, but I'm not even a good FRIEND to anyone anymore. Maybe I should retreat back into my safe little shell....

Ok, new topic...

Well, I started out with this blog for myself, then it morphed into a way to talk to my friend, and now, I just forget it even exists.

I guess I tend to do things that way, don't I? I start out full speed ahead, and then...I just...lose interest...weird how that happens...

*sigh!* Ok, off to sleep I go!
- posted by Rachel @ 11:21 PM 1 comments

 
Heebie-geebies!!!
Ohh I like that!!! Wow! this is the longest time in between entries I think... almost two weeks...
Well, where I left off was last Mon., so I have to start out about Tues....
Ok! so I went to work at 12, and was there till close, right? right...so this man comes in, and ordered a "split banana". Ok, so as he's leaving the counter, he says "you're very beautiful", to which I politely responded with a "thank you". So, he went and sat on our ledge, and ate his ice cream. I helped customers in between, and he sat there....sat there....sat there... OK! so, he came back up to the counter, and I went to see if he needed anything else, 'cause that's what people do if they NEED something else... So, he started talking to me, and was saying something, I don't care enough to remember I guess:-p, and then as he appeared to be leaving, he stuck out his hand as if he wanted me to shake it, which I stupidly did... and then, he WOULD NOT LET GO!!!!! Oh my GOSH!!!! it was SOO scary!! and he KISSED my HAND THREEEEEEEEEEEEE TIMES!!!!! EEEWW! gross! He then asked how old I was. I said 16, even though it'll be 17 in Feb., and he says he's 36!!! He then asked if HE WAS TOO OLD FOR ME!?!?!?!?!?!! AAAAAAAGHH!!!!!! Creepy!!!
Then, later that night, Paul called me. I was talking to Frankie right then, so I asked Paul if he could call me back the next day, but he hasn't yet... how.....sad?? nah....
OK, so then Wed., I don't remember what I did, so it must not be important...
Thurs., we were supposed to be closed, but we had mix left, that had to be used up, so I worked... And my day was GREAT, untill Karen's brother, Brian, came, and said he had a delivery for me, from "a friend". It was this HUGE bouquet of flowers! They were SO pretty, and it was really sweet, but the man who sent them, writing in the card "To the most beautiful girl in the world. Christopher" is 31. Then, this (creepy) man came in again.....AAAGHHH!!!!! He got his "split banana", and started talking to me again, which was made even creepier by the fact that I was ALONE. He said he was "sorry about Tuesday" etc., and then stuck out his hand, as if I would be stupid enough to do THAT again. Sheesh! I said "no" "no" "NO!". I also said that I had to get back to work... So, then, he left as I was walking away from him, trying my best not to break out with tears or laughter at the sheer craziness of it all. So, there I was, a big bunch of flowers, and a memory of lips touching my skin, and making it crawl, and I was still ALONE! Two older MEN, going for me, a GIRL. AHHHHH!!!! Why??? is there just some vibe I send out, that says, "here I am old men, flirt with me, so that I can be creeped out"?????? Sheesh!
But on the upside, my friend Frankie came in, after it all happened, and sat there for HOURS!!:-D yeah, it was great...
So, on Fri., it was more of the usual stuff, like cleaning, and houshold duties.
Sat., we went for a drive, out through Sanoita, and Patagonia, and out into the wild parts. :-p I don't think I did anythin interesting that night, but who knows? :-p
Sun., I worked again, even though we were supposed to be out. Alone. Utterly, desolately ALONE. It was SOOO busy though!! I didn't even have enough time to make sure things were clean! and then, about 5pm, the creepy man came back!!! AHHH!!!! What do I do??? Well, at that time, I had a few customers to help before him, so I had a little bit of time to think. As I was helping someone in drive-through, I looked up, and saw one of the most welcome things in my life! Larry was there!!! yay!!! I went out back, and in a barely controled voice told him that the mand I had told them about, the man who seriously needs to get a LIFE, was IN THE LOBBY!!!! So, Larry ended up helping him, while I IGNORED him!! hahaha!!! I was SO scared that he was going to talk to me, but I was busy, and so he didn't.
Well, all the rest of that week D.Q. was closed, so ne creepy customers for me!! :-D We cleaned though, and I think I saw the creepy guy drive by...
Thurs., instead of working, I went with my mom to Tucson, and bought my new phone!! it was like $97 something, but it's a neat little thing! :-p
Sat., we didn't go anywhere for church, and then had lunch at... 5ish or so. My friend Frankie came by at about 4, and hung out being bored that whole time. He, of course, swears he's "not bored"! Sheesh! So, later on, he called and asked if I wanted to go with him to pick up his neice and nephew. I was allowed to go, so I did, and though it was kind of akward, not knowing what to say, it was a fun trip. We ended up only getting his neice, and she can TALK, whew!! All the way back to his house, she talked... So then, we were there till about 8 I think. Then we came back here, and played chess, uno, then he messed with my phone. He sent his friend, Bridger, txt mssgs, to which Bridger responded, making the night a bit more interesting. So, we went outside to see if the javelina's were out, which they weren't, and just stayed outside. *sigh!* that was fun! :-p He was....warm...*sigh!*... so we sat out there for about half an hour, and my dad went home...saying it "was time"...at 12:15ish. He didn't really leave till about 12:30-45... But even though he could have kissed me, and I would have, he didn't. Not once. Hmm... which was nice... I guess... :-p

It's a new year. Strange really... Thinking back on what was happening last year, I cna't believe it. A year ago I had only met Richard for the first time. Had my first "breakup", and the great sene of loss that comes with that. Had said I wanted to visit with Basil, which obviously didn't happen. Turned 16, and now, I'm almost 17. It's crazy! Kari had just started to spread her new wings, and Melissa was starting to get involved again with Dan. Mom was 48, and dad was 49. Life was so much simpler then... I could go into my little shell, and not talk to anyone except for the bare minimum... ahh the good ol' days...but yet, these days ARE better I guess. I know many more people than I used to, and I have grown up more. It's crazy how things just keep changing...

I guess that'll be it for my trip down memory lane tonight...
- posted by Rachel @ 2:22 AM 1 comments